Tomorrow, according to the pagan wheel of the year, is first harvest.  Historically it was the Celtic day celebrating the beginning of the wheat harvest, it is the first opportunity to count the gains of the year.  It lies opposite on the wheel to Imbolc, otherwise known as Candlemas on February 1, the day which marks the coming of light.  It could be said that Lammas, August 1, could be called the coming of the dark.  It is the point of the year which the focus turns from celebrating new gifts which have come into out lives, to reaping them and taking them into the self.

My affinity with the wheel of the year extends through half my life.  It is a well known knowledge that I can direct my focus and growth across the seasons, and that doing so will bring me balance.  It has not always been something I’ve been willing to do, or admit is important to me.  Over the past 18 months this course of the year has increased in importance, overtime I’ve reconciled with it’s spiritual utility.  I sat with the recognized course on Imbolc as I sat clingy to the smallest signs of the coming spring, and contemplating the seeds of my intentions planted within me.

While I have enjoyed these  light-bearing months, and have taken the fullest advantage of new opportunities it is nearing time to stop planting and begin taking in this year’s yield of skills, lessons, and revelations.  Tomorrow, I must find within myself the strength to take on this task.  Figure out the tools I will need to carry it out.  To also appropriately mourn choice being in abundance, while also being able to sit an contemplate what I have and nothing else.

Knowing my course does not ease the tediousness of the path.  If anything, knowing what lies ahead brings with it a responsibility to make the journey safe and fulfilling.  As my last year was about discovering my course in life, this one has been about mapping it.  Tomorrow I begin preparations for the harvest, and figure out what is still needed to have a successful winter.

I am happy to announce that the site is finally public.  When I first had the idea for this page about a year ago I was committed to making it a good and regular product for people to enjoy.  10 months of blogging, editing and shooting has created over 40 articles, and plenty of ideas for future work.

On average this page puts out one new post a week, and at least 2 substantial articles a month. I look forward to connecting with other blogs on similar missions as my own and expanding public awareness of kink.

If you are, or plan to become a regular reader please consider registering an account.   It will allow you to leave comments, and be involved in a potential member’s only section that would cover more personal material and more photos.  Also, please comment, I love to dialogue whether you agree or disagree with what I’ve got to say.

Also, special thanks to my partner who has signed on as copy editor, and special thanks to you for reading the site

To me the heart of TNG is the evolution of BDSM. I think a lot of groups are experiencing growing pains, and some will succeed and some will fail to meet this end. I know a lot of hardcore, experienced, 24/7 folks in the two TNG groups I associate with. What makes us  TNG is not our age,  it’s our philosophy on BDSM.  Not a lighter one, just a difference in how roles play out, how scenes manifest, and how bondage becomes a part of daily life.

At parties there are scenes with two dominant masochists playing tug o’ war with flesh hooks.  More switch/switch antics, groups of dommes ganging up on misbehaving male submissives. We’re quite a different environment in terms of how we use BDSM and how it plays out, but all the core tenants are still the same. Like our entire generation we are a lot more outwardly violent, erotic, and playful.

That being said there are a lot of untrained idiots who think a scene is wearing black and having sex in a fuck swing. I know in my community this is a relatively new phenomenon, and it is not looked on highly. I’ve been involved in a lot of discussions on exactly how to rear the community. As that is also going to be very different from the old school. The anthem I keep hearing is, “At some point you gotta play.”

In the heart of the community that is happening. A friend of mine brought a mentoree to our movie night, and a gang rape scene unfolded in our living room. There was nothing soft about any of the play that night, and it held to all the old protocols, but on the surface looked quite different. The group consists mostly of 24/7 couples of varying statuses. M/s, Daddy/babygirl, and Switch/switch. The mentoring is happening on the front porch over cigarettes, and the training as we all watch Meet the Feebles practicing knots, playing with needles, and making toys.

The difference is that it is not a required orientation to be able to attend happy hour. This all happens behind the scenes. It is community beginning to function and take care of itself. We talk on the phone, go for walks while giving the sage advice.

We are learning to do this on our own. It’s going to take time. This is a new thing. Workshops are coming back in a whole new way, and we’re getting a grip on how to bring people in and make sure they get what this is. Though it’s going to happen our way.

At the core of TNG are those of us who were trained by the old school. We’re still learning to be good teachers, and to teach our incarnation of this. It is a hard mix to be open to new comers, and simultaneously have an expectation of experiencing real play and developing real dynamics. Though I have no doubt we’re going to manage this fine. As I have already seen this progression in older TNG groups.

We are taking over the guard and bringing play to a whole new level.  One of my deepest appreciations of the TNG community is the open invitation to play, and deep honor and access to edge work.  I see so many people who are reaching new levels of being human through their play, deepening their experiences, expanding horizons and developing deeper levels of spirtuality.  We are here to stay.

We are all beautiful.  While the media has spent decades putting particular figures and styles on a pedestal, it is far from a declaration of beauty.  Anyone who is confident and healthy is beautiful.  No changes to our bodies are necessary, only a change in our attitudes.

Step 1: Know Your Body

Open up your closet, empty out your drawers, and be near a full length mirror.  Pick out the items of clothing you like, and for which you’ve received compliments.  The stuff that makes you feel good when you look in the mirror, that makes your last boyfriend want to fuck you, the stuff that made the girl you can’t stand turn a bit green.  If your first thought is that this has never occurred, I can guarantee you’re wrong.  If picking through your clothing leaves you overwhelmed, then back up a step and ask people what they think.

Take the articles of clothing you like, and figure out what about them makes you look good.  Is it the color?  The way it fits?  A particular style? Is there a dress you wear that pulls in a lot of compliments? Ask your friends what they like about it.  This applies to color as well.  Does a particular color make you look smaller or bigger?  Does it wash out your skin?  Also look at the patterns and materials, is it shiny, matte, lacy, or paisley?

Pick out what makes you look like you.  We all have our own styles.  Are you a punk, goth, geek, hippy, urban, straight laced?  What elements of various genres appeal to you?  Chances are you fit a lot of different styles, and aren’t into everything about any one of them.  It’s the combination of elements that makes you unique, honor them.  What about your personality do your friends point out in the things you wear, and in the accessories you carry?

Next step is to get to know your body itself.  Take an inventory, what parts of you are awesome?  What do you like to accentuate when you dress up for the evening?  What body parts have been favored by your lovers?  What parts of you do you love?  Maybe you don’t like your belly, but you have awesome eyes.  Be honest with yourself, because you are you, and that’s never going to change.  Whatever bugs you about the way you look attempt to make amends with.

Step 2: Pick out one Knock Out Item

If you want to look good to others it is important to be comfortable with what you wear.  Go out and window shop.  Check out Victoria’s Secret, all the stores people go to before hitting the club  Try on things you like, pick out the fits and colors that work for you.  If you can, bring someone with you who’s opinion you value. Keep in mind what your learned when examining your pre-existing wardrobe.  Recognize what makes you look good, versus things you like.  Look for clothing that is cut similar to things that already work for you.  Try and combine it with the best color and the best style.

What you end up buying will depend on your budget, and your comfort in picking out well fitting clothes.  If you’re just starting out and have $30-$40 to spare in your budget I would put that money towards a dress or brazier.  Before settling for Victoria’s Secret see if there are any lower cost options available.  I have found nice new clothes everywhere.  I have bought bra’s at the dollar store, and amazing dresses for under $15.  Vintage and thrift shops provide even lower cost options, with one often being able to find high quality items at a reduced price.  However, the ability to try things on and pick out the right color and size gets a lot more difficult.

Panties, stockings, and hair accessories can be bought cheaply; not to mention having a high quality item shaping your bust, waist, hips and thighs tends to be more important.

Figure out the purpose of the outfit, is it for an elegant dinner party, a special evening with a lover, a kinky fiasco, or a night at the club?  Figure out what kinds of clothes others are going to be wearing and/or would be appropriate for the occasion.  Then find your key item, it should be awesome.  Pick something that is unique, and does wonders for your figure.  Whether it be a wonder bra, corset, ball gown, or a dress to dance in. It should match up with your previous inventory.  A good item will work wonders on the good parts of your body and make everything else less noticeable.

A few key things:  Floppy boobs need bust support.  Look for underwire, and dresses/tops that can be worn with a bra.  If you plan to get fancy a lot invest in 1 or 2 strapless bras.  Full Bustiers with ribbing can assist in evening out the waist and slimming it a bit.  Pay attention to what colors and patterns do for your eyes, hair and skin as bringing out these features is equally important  Different skirts flow off the hips and butt differently.  A well fitted skirt will bring out these curves, a ruffly or loose item will not.  A well fitted one piece item will draw attention to your lines, separates will draw attention to particular parts of your body.  The neck of an item is important, does high or low work better?

Get the item, bring it home, and study it.

Step 3: Accessorize

Nothing looks good all by itself.  Hair, make-up, hosiery, and shoes need to match.  Is what you bought complicated?  Does it have a lot of colors and patterns, does it have a creative cut or look?  Complexity and plainness should balance out.  Fabric textures should also go well together.  Styles and cuts of clothing should match.  Accessories should also work well for you.  Not everyone looks good in thigh highs, and depending on the outfit no one might.  However, footless tights, nylons, and regular ‘ole tights are also amazing options and assist with shaping figure.

Figure out the look you are going for.  Look at what brings out your personality in how you dress.  Are you good at cute?  Elegant?  Rough?  Start with your favorite hair style and way of applying make-up.  Chances are good that since you picked out the item that was best for you these things will match up easily.

Hair elements, and make-up should pick up the color/pattern of the clothing.  A bright red or sleek black with bright red lips, a pale lavender with pink gloss.  Color match in a sensible way, blue eye shadow isn’t for everyone.  Practice applying make-up and pick up tricks.  Wet ‘n Wild can be as good as Revlon, if you plan to go out often a variety of make-up choices is important.  The same applies for hair accessories.  A silky fabric goes with silky ribbon.  Remember balancing complex and plain items.

It’s important to be able to walk in your shoes.  Also, when buying shoes it’s good to go for a pair that will go with a lot of different items.  Spike heels for sleek and elegant, chunky for cute (also good for dancing).  Different heel heights also change the look of your legs, keep an eye on them as you try on shoes.  Black shoes for bold and dark colors, brown/bronze for earth tones, silver/white for very light colors.  The shoe style should match with the goal of the outfit.

Step 4: Feel Good in It

You can look as stunning as Betty Page, but if you enter the room with your eyes to the floor and your arms wrapped around you no one is going to notice.  Confidence is key.  All the time spent on picking the outfit was to build your confidence, and to find what brings you out.  Figure out what makes you comfortable, and run with it.  Stay away from wearing so many hooks and straps, or carefully draped items that you worry about them staying on properly.  Last thing that should be on your mind when you’re out is a wardrobe failure.  First thing that should be on your mind is enjoying feeling good and having an awesome time.

Making things complicated comes with time.  Some of these clothes actually take practice and some figuring out to get them on right and have them feel good.  Over time you’ll gain an internal sense of your sizing and how things will look.  The first few trips I took to thrift stores I made some poor choices.  Now I can look at a dress and tell if it will fit and how.  It’s ok to be on a learning curve, just make the best of the position you are at.

rope suspension from 2/28/09

Surrender is a core tenant of life, it is spiritual.  It is the act of handing the self over to something greater, to be within the world with a recognition of our small place within it.  Honoring insignificance and our invaluable uniqueness, and to be at peace with the dissonance of those two sides of being.

As I re-entered the formal bondage scene, this concept was played out in life as well as play.  As I endured watching my entire life change, having to switch jobs, still struggling with the loss of my marriage.  There were many times when I had to surrender to walking within to survive.  That experience of awe amidst so much personal pain nourished me.  I was grateful for it as there have been many times in my life that I have lost track of “god”, and the immanence of sacredness was known but not felt.

Those fleeting moments of being attuned were necessary for my continued growth.  I quickly discovered that surrendering to scenes forced my hand.  As I had to sit within the weight of my consent, and then let go of it.  To recognize that what holds me away from peace in submission is my own will.  As to want for myself causes dissonance, because to enact my will towards myself allows fear as it is necessity for my own preservation.

So I let go of that which is my own desire.  I let go of the concept of want for myself, and reach out for unity.  To recognize my place within it, small and unique, make peace with that dissonance, and become one with it.  Fear is pushed away, as I have nothing to want and nothing to lose.  Occasionally it creeps back as my body warns me that it’s hurting, perhaps too much.  Though I know that if I trust the connection that I will be alright, and that to allow fear in will break the bond of the experience.

It is a spiritual reasoning for my practice of BDSM.  As it allows practice of serenity, though I also attain it through meditation and ritual, there is no doubt that hanging from ceilings is more fun. It is also interactive as the headspace is demonstrated through my body, versus being a view of me sitting in silence.  A lot of the joy and connection comes from sharing my experience with others.  To simultaneously be able to strengthen a skill that is important to my continued growth gives the moment an even greater value.

My life is a journey for which I need ever deepening strength and courage.  Whenever I cease to feel able, strength and courage is only as far away as my ability to surrender to that painful feeling of weakness.  It is as simple as recognizing my own devices as my undoing.  It is a close thought that is hard to grasp and hold on to.  One that will continually slip away, and where the thought falls from my hands is the next step in the path.

I’ve been hesitant at times recently to pick up my props and practice.  Perhaps I am attempting to reach that final stage of acceptance.  As a performer I always played with big fire.  The goal was to be majestic and fantastical.  Practice was me putting on a tattered sweater and old jeans to summon the spirit in the backyard.  When I started to go out and perform again people noticed my change in attitude and began to find my grace and love of fire sexy.

At the same time I got very attached to my parasols and shawls.  Often at parties I would play around with them at venues where fire wasn’t allowed.  Over time people started paying more attention and I became a sideshow.  As dancing only makes sense to me with props, I stopped going out to dance as I didn’t want to draw too much attention to myself.

Last August it seemed that the best option was to move out of vanilla space with dance.  My staffs and other big fire toys felt limited in this new environment.  Always well received though in small clubs I get claustrophobic with those big toys.  My work continued to shift, I made the torches, continued to work with folding fans, parasols and shawls.  Fire became way more accessible with the smaller flames, and I began to enjoy and experience it in a novel new way through fire contact, and eating.

My performance identity became a clusterfuck.  Majestic barefoot hippie in the woods meets Gypsy.  Moving to my favorite songs became awkward as these two things began to combine.  It seems so simple, but it involves so many emotions.  I know the more I focus on the new, the more I let go of the old.   There are aspects of my old style I want to integrate into the new.  Performance identity is key, it’s the consistent mindset of how to move, dress, and behave no matter the show.  And as mine was dying I wasn’t sure if I wanted the new one that was being born.

Performing is a funny thing, it’s a second skin.  It takes a long time to get comfortable with it, to be able to put it on at a moments notice, and  to not stumble and trip over it.  If it isn’t properly tailored and worn the audience is gonna notice.  It’s in many ways more important than the skill used on the stage.  The performer’s identity is the show, if it isn’t magnetic and well tuned to the audience no amount of skill matters.

I miss my old one, if for no other reason than it was familiar.  Though in all honesty it wasn’t quite right for me.  As a kid I was always better a constructing skits than dancing.  Always using small prop moves to build intensity.  I’ve never been particularly well coordinated, it was a lot of why I picked up fire performing to begin with. While I’ve worked up a reasonable sense of kinesthetics in my five years with fire, it is limited, while my charisma has the potential to be huge.

Though I have no confidence in this new skin, it’s unfamiliar.  I picked up my props and practiced this morning, and was a little afraid to see how it was looking in the mirror.  I stole a glance and was actually pleased, and remarked at the progress I didn’t realize I was making.  It doesn’t change that I hate rebuilding faith and trust.  I know it will take many hours in front of that mirror to get better.  Lots of practice at making new things no longer look silly.  It’s embarrassing, and hard.  Also every hour is an hour taken from something else, and a little bit of commitment deposited into this new entity.

Every time a bit of surrender, self inventory and reflection.  Which is useless unless I have faith in my work and trust that in the end it will pay off.

A year ago today I was feverishly preparing for my show at Erotica Arts Festival.  I had been spending my afternoons with two of my closest friends being tied up, taking my clothes off, and recitiing poetry.  The words came out of a soul search to discover who I am as a woman.  I found myself back in memories of being slammed up against walls, forced and/or dominated, haunted by the feeling of ripped open skin.  I realized I had to bring that back into my life, and along with the show was preparing to break away from my vanilla life of political activism, philosophy and poetry readings.

This morning I woke up and discovered my partner’s bite mark had turned a very deep purple.  I stumbled downstairs to get coffee noting the spray of clothespins, rope, underwear, wiffle bats, condoms, fly swatters, and BBQ skewers across the floor.  I had gone to sleep that night remarking on the amazing play with our friends the previous night.  I sat on the couch and realized my clit was still really sore, and looked at the clothespins wondering where the bloody one was.

That dream has become my life.  The journey to today has truly been incredible.  Filled with amazing people, experiences, and a few scars.  I now want so little, but have so much.  I’m grateful for every bit of it.

My life is so far from the norm the current economic crisis and other issues seem surreal.  When it became clear that the market was plummeting I began to listen to news radio daily as I spend a good part of my day driving.  Yesterday I heard that the unemployment rate was over 9%.

I don’t make a lot of money, but I am well educated.  There is rarely a shortage of jobs in my field.  My entire life I have not taken material wealth seriously.  Having been raised by hippies.  While my divorce shook my financial situation severely I quickly readjusted.

It isn’t that I haven’t noticed the upheaval in the economy.  From inflated rents while looking for our current house, and when I was looking for my apartment.  To gas numbers being too high or too low.  I’ve had eerie experiences like buying a brand new shirt at Old Navy for $3.

On my income I have to pick and choose where I put my money.  It has always been important that I have a good place to live.  So I have always placed more importance on rent.  I buy most of my clothes thrifted, I prepare most of my food from scratch.  For two people our weekly grocery bill is around $75, and includes around 80% of our food intake.

I thankfully have no car payments, it would be tight if I suddenly needed a car, but I would manage, and I do well when it comes to having money for matienence and repairs.  There is no doubt that I think it’s unfair that I need to at times count pennies when I am an employed and highly skilled worker.  Though I make it, and have little fear.

Though I don’t agree with many proposals I hear on the radio.  As an anarchist I have a very different take on policy, and how we got to where we are.  It seems clear that the failure is systemic, not just healthcare, housing, interest rates, or the stock market, but rather something that filters all aspects of our country and governance.  As there isn’t money anywhere.

I moved from the city’s “cultural district”, to the manufacturing/harbor district.  My neighborhood is largely working class, with a large immigrant population.  I can meet all my basic needs within a mile from my home for very cheap.  Today I spent $35 on 2 dresses, a shirt, 6 pairs of underwear, a pair of shoes, 4 razors, and cigarettes.  When I realized this was possible I stopped going to malls where it is easy to spend over $20 on a dress alone.  Not to mention that one of them is a formal gown which probably retailed for much more.

Living close to reasonably priced resources has saved me more money than I could have ever imagined.  My heart still aches for a country that as a whole lives beyond it’s means.  Leaving so many unable to survive on their incomes, and so many unemployed.  The system is broke, and sometimes being safe doesn’t feel like shelter.