I’m spending one of my last nights alone for what is likely to be quite a long time.  My boyfriend is at his apartment packing, on Wednesday it’s my place, and then in a month or so, our house.  6 weeks ago I was exchanging e-mails with someone in a very similar situation as my own, and disheartened by a string of bad dates, and noncommittal partnerships.  Sitting with the fact that I have difficulty remaining a freak completely alone.  I was very scared that I was going to settle again.  I felt the ache from 5 and a half years ago with an old relationship in limbo, and feeling suspended in my own life.  That kind of time where I met someone and I was just happy I was accepted, who offered some new things, that led to a very calm marriage, too calm for my blood.

This time it wasn’t that way, I was merely fearing reaching that point, but a bit of the past before more of the present.  14 months ago I was struck with the heavy and terrifying realization that my life wasn’t working.  That my marriage lay at the heart of it.  I assumed I had just been growing up, and was going through the natural mourning of getting my ass beat and putting kinky photos on the internet.  That must have been a phase, I must have been crazy, and even crazier to miss it.  I must not have been thinking straight I thought to myself.  Though when I looked back at the facts at the height of my fishnet wearing, getting tied up, and getting my boyfriend to crawl on the floor I was actually pulling a 3.8 GPA.

That my slips of not functioning, my mind breaking, as can happen when you’ve got a dissociative disorder were unrelated to my lifestyle.  In fact my lifestyle made me happy, and tended to help me through more than it hindered.  There is no option other than to learn about yourself when you’ve got your head slammed into the wall and your boyfriend jerking off on your back and you realize you like it.  It re-engages that full sense of self awareness that is so integral to healing.  Not that a good ass beating is the only solution, nor should it not be done without actual treatment, but it is no doubt valuable.  And really, really hot.

When I woke up next to my husband gasping after a dream about my ex-girlfriend (except she looked way hotter), and I started sneaking up to my studio to watch Secretary simply to remember my past life.  I realized there were issues.  Pandora’s box opened, and I was gone.  There is no feeling more naked than having lived in the cocoon of a marriage for 2 years, living together for 3, being together for over 4.  The whole world was suddenly strange, shaking off the terror and atrophy took months, even more to get my bearings.  I somehow managed to find some pretty awesome partners who put up with me.  I found the wonderful V who brought me into the DC scene, and November was like a continuous party of awesome.

Though not sustainable.  I got too close to someone I shouldn’t have, forbidden fruit fantasies are fun to have, fucking dangerous to live out.  So I scraped my plate, and went to work, and man,  That sucked.  I talked with a lot of people, at bars, online, at parties.  No one made the criteria for primary.  I stopped being a quick draw with intimacy, went out to events, felt very quiet at the end of the night when I realized I was going home alone.

It is not easy to be a real adult, with a real job, with a history of committed relationships, and be a crazy artist, vegan, anarchist, bondage freak.  I’d meet artists who had played in the clubs, but had never played.  I’d meet players who had no depth outside how far they could get their tongue down my throat, and activists who’s passion never left the protest rally.  Meanwhile, I got no lack of offers.  I could get about anyone to tie me up, buy me drinks, or go for a movie.  No one good enough for going out for breakfast.  I was frustrated and about ready to hit pause, and then.

Thing is, when something is right, it just is.  The question is are you willing to take that.  We as human beings have this horrible thing called free will.  Life can threaten us, break our worlds open, though we in the end chose whether or not we’re going to accept it.  That is all on us as individuals.

There is this phenomenon when tuning an orchestra that when all the instruments are perfectly in tune you hear a reverberation like a bell.  I got to experience this in 7th grade wind ensemble of all places, and it was amazing.  We couldn’t stop talking about that sound.  It is so pervasive it can’t qualify as too loud, too sharp, for a moment it is simply everything.  It denies specifiers.

I view directing the course of my life by these moments.  I heard that bell at my interview for my current job, I heard it when I met my first switch partner, I heard that bell in my first psychology class, the first time I read a poem out loud.  I’ve heard it countless times, and I know when I hear that motherfucker, and I heard it again.

Life changes course off the air of a butterfly’s wing.

Which means that by no means is life perfect, nor that I know everything.  All I know is that we’ve got a solid foundation.  Similar interests, life experiences, complimentary personalities, and awesome chemistry.  The sound is good to hear, but best backed up by evidence.  A week in I got in through a very large bite mark on my knee through my jeans.  And I can’t tell anyone a lick of the future other than I feel the way the wind is blowing and it’s all gonna be ok, at least for awhile.  The best we can ask for in this life is awhile.

All I know is that I am a grown up version of someone I really liked, and god am I still catching up.  Got a crazy degree and solid profession, and at times in social situations the mind of a 5 year old.  Though day by day it’s less uneven, and this is sustainable.  It is what it needs to be,

So, I look forward to a new house, in the place where I predicted the crisis would end back in August.  Riding home from the grocery store in that neighborhood after scheduling the 2nd interview for my current job.  I said it will all be done when I can live here, and now I can.  It’s going to happen, that much I know.

I often get asked how does it work with another switch?

It’s simple: we fight constantly.

We’re both D/s, S/m, and insanely aggressive. Verbally and physically. To be clear though we also have a relationship outside the fighting, and with all the things in life that count we agree, really we just like fighting. This is an important note, for all relationships involving BDSM, we actually do care about each other and have good communication at all times even while slamming each others’ heads against the wall.

This is also not a topping and bottoming kind of scenario. The terms top and bottom I tend to take as referring to the act, and the more emotional and mental sides of BDSM are left out of the picture or cease to be when the scene ends. This is not the case with me, and it never has been.

Also, I have found my switch/switch partnerships to be more severe than dominant submissive ones. Largely because our version of impact play requires immobilizing a moving target. The fail safe for serious injury tends to be that we end up immobilizing each other. A few weeks ago we stopped ourselves from asphyxiating because we both had fingers dug into our necks. We were both starting to lose consciousness and thus both let up on the grip.

It’s a lovely scenario because the joy is in winning and losing. I equally love paralyzing him with pain, as I enjoy being paralyzed with pain.

The dynamics also build slowly over time. Old tricks cease to work, so we add new ones, we get bored of one thing and start doing another. In a past switch/switch relationship this occurred as well and after several months we had a whole box of gear and range of things we liked to do to one another.

However, adversarial dynamics still involve top drop, sub drop, and require aftercare. It’s interesting and really amounts to something I’m inclined to call switch drop. When I drop after submissive scenes the experience is quite different. As there is that kinda amazing sub drop void, though also a concern for my partner and where they’re at. That piece of my mind which directs towards my responsibility towards another keeps me from getting lost. I enjoy this headspace more, as it’s less lonely.

It’s nice going through the same adrenalin drain, and both dealing with the aches and pains. As it’s a similar experience it’s easier for us to care for one another and relate to each other.

I had the fortunate misfortune of getting into BDSM very young. Early on into my first serious D/s dynamic at the age of 19 my dominant partner injured my inner left labia (it’s actually still disfigured). We were also into very rough sex. I started to notice I wasn’t healing, and I was actually continuing to experience swelling. We were using good ole lubricated Trojan condoms.

After awhile I was dealing with painful burning, and swelling internally. We slowed down significantly for awhile, though I continued to have difficulty with regular latex condoms. The silver lining is that while using latex, we had no breaks.

It was recommended to us that we try the Polyurethane condoms that had recently become more available on the market. We were a little skeptical, and turns out this was with good reason. Within a week or two we had experienced at least two breaks. Not only did the condoms break, we didn’t even notice it was happening. We essentially, fucked right through them.

This was when they were used properly, we regularly engaged in foreplay, I was plenty ready.

Since we were monogamous I eventually just went on the pill, which caused a host of health problems for me. Exhausted by this whole ordeal I decided to do some research and found a promising solution:

Deproteinized NRL Condoms, essentially hypoallergenic latex. However, for whatever reason since I started searching in 2001 they have been hard to find in the US, even though they demonstrate equal efficacy besides the allergic reaction. A good summary article on them is located here: http://www.medimart.com/medicalnews/news2.html

In fact many shops have never even heard of them. I got lucky and briefly was seeing someone who had them imported from Europe, even more lucky that a few were left at my apartment. With these I experienced no reaction, and experienced no increase in breakage. Including with the same partner who had gotten me all screwed up in the first place.

This past May a partner found some at random at a CVS near my home. We both then tried looking in our area, and found none.

The question I often get asked is, so are you really allergic to latex?

The answer is funny, yes and no. With good lubrication, especially a coating of a water based lubricant, and frequent reapplication I can pretty much do whatever. If I have extended periods of rough sex, I may have some irritation and swelling. I’ve heard this has worked for other individuals as well.

It is also good practice. As I have had latex break on me too. Particularly on well endowed partners, however, when buying proper sizes, etc, this shouldn’t be an issue. Good lubrication is the best prevention. However, when latex breaks, it tends to make a loud snap and scare the fuck out of all involved.

It’s a pretty awesome alarm system, and while latex breaks still bear a risk of STD transmission, snapping, scary, at times painful latex breaks stop all activities thus reducing the risk for at least pregnancy, and reducing the risk for other STDs/STIs.

The other thing I have found unfortunately to be helpful is avoiding vaginal injury. So limited clamping, biting, suction, etc. After a scene in October I definitely re-experienced some burning post sex, and the scene has only involved clothspins. This, indeed makes me cry.

I write about this in a BDSM context because it has always been where I have experienced the most risk for latex sensitivity and condom breaks. As it tends to be more creative, rougher, and acrobatic? Though I’ve had similar issues with partners with whom I was not being posed with the expectation of obedience, or currently in combat with. While I have never seen statistics it would not surprising me if we had a higher occurrence of allergy or breaks.

My internet hates me, so I will post more in a few days:

rope suspension from 2/28/09

from above, rope suspension from 2/28/09