Post Script:  Raw narrative the morning after a rope suspension scene, with breath/play asphyxiation, playing my usual role as the crazy switch middle child.  This details my thoughts and state of mind during drop.  Written in a busy coffeehouse downtown after leaving my friend’s apartment:

I love examining my drops with morbid curiosity.  It’s like my mind is totally numb, with the occasional wave of strong emotion, with some of the oddest thoughts imaginable, some enter and provide a bit of prospective on my current place in life, etc.

Always right after a scene, up until I sleep, I feel total and complete serenity and security with myself.  The day after isn’t too much different, though it is like I sit in total awareness of everything I do and feel.

I note my issues with insecurity, the moments when I feel I am not doing enough.  That whole dialectic of individualism versus collectivism, that inner urge to be unique, while recognizing I am one of many people.  Sitting and thinking about how this thought doesn’t often bother me.

Also today brings questions and examinations of my current place in life and my decisions.  How I often have dealt with others, the strong feelings I feel, and feel often.  The ranking of importance of people and places and how that has changed over the past year.

Recognizing strong emotional states as often momentary, that they are not pervasive, though often feel as such.  That I have strong feelings of adoration, though those people do not direct my actions or my life.

That I actually enjoy emotional games, it’s like entertainment for me, I guess it is what I do instead of television.  Though I have remained steadfast to not entering into any sort of commitment, and now that I am certain that I don’t want that in my life, I am adjusting to that thought.  I know for me it is a paradigm shift, having spent most of the past 7 years in committed relationships.

That some expectation of emotional adjustment is fine, it’s how I clean up at the end of the day that matters most.  That despite the fact that I can often be completely neurotic and insane people still want me around.  That even though I have my moments of pure selfishness, I often return it with selflessness.

Coming to terms with the fact that I am extremely introverted and enjoy being on my own.  That it is ok to be that way, in fact it’s powerful.  That I can spend so much time in my studio meditating, thinking, working, and enjoying myself just for myself is very awesome.

The fact that I don’t feel that I need to have my needs met by others is completely awesome.  That I don’t feel like I’m dying inside when I don’t have sex, or have a hot date.  That I can spend a Sunday morning alone in a cafe feeling completely at peace.

That overall I take care of myself and my life.  I sit back and wonder at the fact that I actually finished my master’s degree.  I work an intense professional job that uses every ounce of skill I got, and I find that deeply satisfying.

That I have recovered my creativity, that I experience touching moments with my work.  It makes people cry, they keep it for memory, ask me to read pieces again.  That I can model in a way that makes people feel peace in seeing beauty, aroused, and laugh all in the same two hour period.  What satisfies me most is sharing my intense emotional world with other people, and I get to do that so often, and for so young, so well.

I keep growing, changing, and evolving.  Everyday becoming more comfortable with the integral parts of who I am.  Resolving those final dialectical dilemmas.  It is awesome.

I am hungover and sore from hanging from the ceiling for about a half hour, and with rope on me way longer.  A beautifully intense scene, surrounded by people I care about.  People I care about who I can tease and scold, and who I allow to do amazingly scary things to me.  Yet I do them without fear.

It is so powerful, funny how much more comfortable I grow with myself in the scene every time I am out.  Those familiar spaces come back to me like a warm embrace.  During a flogging training a sadist’s slave wanted to practice, and I offered myself up.  She is lovely, her master is equally so and is the one who strung me up.

I immediately closed my eyes to that deep sense of inner serenity, fearless knowing pain would come, and kinda haphazardly at that because she was learning.  Impact play is all about the element of surprise anyways   Not that it was going to be anything severe, but the readiness was automatic.

Doing asphyxiation with suspension is completely nuts, that was kinda otherworldly. The immediate trust I build, sadists are oddly easy to evaluate.  My dominia partner and I were talking about men and emotions, and how dumb they can be.

I said sadists are wise on themselves, that they have to be.  Some of the most emotionally fragile folks I have ever met, doing very painful things to people they love.  They either get themselves, or they don’t.  There is no other option really, there is no kinda ok.

The way I was suspended I couldn’t see the ground, the environment of the scene didn’t have me as the primary target   So my arms were free, I enjoyed it, investigated how I could move with the ropes, enjoying the turns and sways.  It was a very odd way to participate in some else’s humiliation, from above.

I screen out the ropes, they hurt, but not in a way I mind, mainly gauging circulation.  Honestly the only thing that bothers me much these days is severe impact play.  Pushing past the pain threshold with that is the next thing I want to do.  I’ve been hesitant due to some bad bruising, a lot of concern with finding people I trust with that and injury.

I’ve only really thrown my pain threshold once recently, it’s such a sacred thing with me.  I am 100% rawly exposed to myself, to the world, to whoever is around.  Two of my friends were playing as our scene was finishing and she started wailing, it was beautiful, she was so in touch with it.

I miss being in touch in that way, though I don’t want it right now.  Realize I equate that level S&M up there with straight up mind breaking sex.  And I’m not feeling that at all these days, at least not with anyone where it’s new, or at all precarious.  I’m into being private these days.

Yet I plan to post this on the internet

Awesome man to work with, and look for future shoots with him.  These are some of his post processed photos from our shoot, and a couple of raw shots.  I will be doing some of my own post processing in the next few weeks, look forward to those!  Please hit up his myspace at http://myspace.com/papa_sin .

DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME.  BELIEVE IT OR NOT I’M A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL.