Those Pesky Emotions, Too Bad That’s Why We’re Here
Saturday, November 29th, 2008In the bondage scene the term dynamic is used to describe the interaction between two parties involved in Dominance/Submission and/or S&M. The term is very suitable here to also describe intimate/emotionally involved/sexual relationships. The term scene is used to describe a physical manifestation of the dynamic (sexual or just straight up BDSM). I use scene it here to describe physical encounter in all types of dynamics.
Fiery emotional dynamics are nearly impossible to maintain when you and the other party are the only thing keeping the damn thing grounded. Yet, these are the people in my life who have historically inspired me the most, that I have felt the most deeply for, knew me the best, and had the best sex (when it got to that point).
So the hope is that by maintaining multiple dynamics, emotions can keep flying, and nothing blows up. It works, but it takes a bit to get there. I have found that my first scenes with dynamics have been horrible messes. Though enjoyable, each has their own train wreck quality. In BDSM it tends to mean bruising, soreness, and intermittent bleeding. In and out of BDSM it has led to an aftermath of volatile emotional outbursts.
Why is that? I so often give relationship advice, and have awesome fulfilling relationships. Yet, in the early stages of so many of my ongoing dynamics I’ve acted like a screaming two year old.
It’s those damn feelings. We’re all so uninhibited sexually, so conscious of ourselves and our actions, so passionate that it fucking hurts to connect. Hurts so bad we get regressive. It tends to happen post scene because it involved some exposure. Those awkward moments, those scary moments, it becomes clear afterwards that those happened because they mattered. I’ve been caned in front of people by dom’s I’ve just met. One on one with someone I have a chance of really give a damn about, and the experience gains an incredible amount of emotional weight.
The goal for me with polyamory is that the people I’m involved with will be allowed to be who they are, and the dynamic itself will simply be what it is. Truthfully this is the only way it ever works, as the involved parties will have no motivation to stay invested. However, what it is, is something that needs to be figured out. Previously existing constructs do not apply.
I have dynamics where it is nearly all sex, where it is almost never sex, where we haven’t had sex. Where we talk nearly daily, occasionally e-mail, rarely ever see one another. Where there is heavy S&M, where there is collaboration in terms of art, where there are classic dinner and a movie dates. Every dynamic I’m involved with is as individualized as the people I’m involved with, yet each reflects an important aspect of me, and I reflect an important aspect of them.
The balance of them all, while at times difficult to manage, is what allows each of them to work. A quiet dinner, is fucking lovely after getting the shit beat out of me several nights before. Watching a partner get off on me getting off on being in pain, is so damn cathartic after arguing with artists I am invested with emotionally as well as creativity, as it vindicates the emotional violence through physical violence.
Truth be told the dynamics feed off one another, transfer to one another. The sweetest moments are when one partner unwittingly says or does something that explains something going on with another.
Perhaps it’s age, the trauma of both good and past experiences, though I think the biggest factor in the difficulty handling emotions in dynamics is the awareness. When you’re with someone and you realize that whatever you feel has a right to be when you’re with them, that any urge can be actualized, it’s scary. It’s out in the open and vulnerable.
I know I at least also combat a lot of stereotypes, and social expectations. I think it’s assumed I get a lot of sex. I don’t. It isn’t about sex to me. Sex is like the bonus on the interaction itself. I really just fucking like the people I’m involved with, sex is incidental. If I really want to get laid I can, and pick how I get it and how good it is too. It’d take the equilivent of running into the middle of the street and waving my arms around for 30 seconds, and then doing some brief interviews.
Though it isn’t about that. These folks are just damn rewarding to be around, even when it fucking hurts (physically as well as emotionally!) to be around them. They add to my life creatively, fulfill me socially, spirituality, mentally, and emotionally.
The intensity is really what makes it for me with each of them. And rather than keep doing the same things over and over it tends to be that each new person presents a new, and often harder challenge. Similar people in my past I’ve had horrible ends with, and this allows me to give things a chance of working, while simultaneously getting a diversity of experiences.
No matter how scientific I start to sound, the people with whom I have strong emotional dynamics in my life, are fucking valuable to me. They’ve earned my loyalty, respect, and as we grow they are bit by bit earning my trust. They get to hold onto one of the most valuable and fragile pieces of me, my emotion of care.
